Clueless in Cyberspace

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" ~ Marilyn Pittman

"Computer people don't die, they just loose their memory." ~ Author Unknown

"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up." ~ James Magary

"I don't understand all I know about this thing." ~ Joe May

"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done." ~ Andy Rooney

"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?" ~ Author Unknown

On Survival in the Machine Age

by Catriona Lovett

Despite all the uncertainty and trouble in the world, personally and globally, I think we're living in the best of all possible times.

Since I've been on the 'net', despite all of the looneytoons out there -- including the guy who applied for group membership and had no information but a photo of himself having sex on his profile -- I have found a wonderful network of friends and truly nice people which stretches around the world. I consider "MAD" to be a respite where we mad people can gather and let it hang out. I'm glad we've all met.

I'm not as together as I appear to be. I have to confess that I have problems with sleeplessness sometimes. I go through periods of manic-type activity where I can't sleep, usually triggered by extreme anxiety. Over years of coping with this, I've learned about every way to become healthier, happier, and stronger. Not to say that I actually am healthier, happier, and stronger, but I know how, in theory, to become that way -- if I wasn't such a sad, weak, slouch.

If you're physically up to it, exercise can really help your body feel better. Even just spending time outdoors and giving yourself sunlight therapy is helpful, a healthy dose of good old solar radiation. I need to remind myself of that constantly, since I seem to spend a lot more time than I should getting dosed with computer screen radiation instead.

I have to be careful about becoming compulsive when I'm anxious. Cleaning is one of the ways I work out my energies -- when I'm really worried, I do housework, and I can get all my dishes done in no time. My Aunt Dottie taught me this secret. She used to get all jazzed-up on coffee and set to work, cleaning. She used so much bleach that to this day, when I smell Clorox, I think of her fragrance.

Sometimes some good anti-anxiety meds are what is needed, even if only to get you over the hump -- I've tried some that have worked not so well, but, fortunately, some have made a radical difference in how I feel. However, if you deal with these tendencies all your life, you have to find ways to help yourself to complement or even replace drug therapy dependency -- not always possible, but certainly a worthwhile goal.

One thing for sure, drinking will only make you feel worse when you are having an episode. What you remember afterward will make you want to crawl into a hole, and the details people fill in for you will make you glad you don't remember everything.

I find it a struggle not to let what's eating me drive me to eat. I get so aggravated sometimes I want to bite someone, and usually end up biting something sweet if I don't bite someone's head off verbally. Not good. I've tried to simplify my life, tried to keep aggravation to a minimum, but let's face it -- most things in life happen TO you, they're not planned.

So you do what you can to cope in a healthy way, and don't forget to reach out to others. There are an awful lot of us out there suffering silently thinking: the other guy has it so great, why can't our lives be so easy? But the truth is, we all have our own monkey on our back, albatross around our neck, bug in our ear, or bird of paradise up our nose. If we all get together, we can open our own zoo.

If you really need to change something about your life but are powerless to make the change -- if it's out of your hands, or you're truly stuck between a rock and a hard place -- don't feel all alone. The only thing you can do at times like that is to avoid blaming yourself, and try to find healthy ways to cope, including, most of all, to reach out. Remember, we have all the benefits of modern technology at our disposal, and the secret to applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw.

Which reminds me of a Machine Age Parable:

Above every machine in the world, there should be a sign that says, "Warning! This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need."

The cause of this is that there is a special circuit in all machines, called a 'critical detector,' which senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The 'critical detector' creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation.

Likewise, attempts to use another machine will cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.

The moral of the story is, "Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry."

By the way, human beings are a lot like machines, and I think we all should have the same warnings placed on us: too much stress makes us break down.

Best wishes,

-- Cat

A Blonde Joke

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman: "I'd like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies: "But, ma'am, computers don't have curtains!"

And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

-- From Sandi

Hillbilly Computer Jargon

• Backup - Whut you do when you run 'cross a skunk in the woods.
• Bit - A wager as in, "I bit you cain't spit that watermelon seed 'cross the porch longways."
• Byte - Whut them dang flies do.
• Bug - The reason for calling in sick down at the fact'ry
• Cache - What you spend down at Piggly Wiggly when you run out of food stamps.
• Chip - Pasture muffins y'all try not to step in.
• Crash - Whut you do when y'all don't got an invitation
• Digital control - Whut yore fingers do on the TV remote.
• Diskette - One of them disco dancers at the Gentleman's Club.
• Download - Gettin' the farwood off'n the pickup
• Floppy - When Maw runs out of Polygrip.
• Floppydisk - Whut you git from tryin' to carry too much farwood
• Hacker - Uncle Orville after 32 years of smokin' and chaw
• Hard drive - Tryin' to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tars while pullin' a trailerload of fertilizer.
• Internet - Whar cafeteria workers put thar hair.
• Keyboard - Place to hang yore truck keys.
• LAN - To borry as in, "Hey Bubba! LAN me yore truck."
• Laptop - Whar the kitty sleeps
• Log on - Making the wood stove hotter.
• Log off - Don't add no more wood.
• Mainframe - Holds up the barn ruf
• Megahertz - When yore not keerful gittin' that farwood downloaded
• Microchip - Whut's left in the munchie bag
• Modem - How you got rid of yore dandelions.
• Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - How to git yore bait for fishin.
• Online - Whur you hang yore clothes to dry.
• Packet - Whut y'all do to a suitcase before you visit kinfolk
• Prompt - Whut the mail ain't in the winter tahm
• Reboot - Whut you do when the first pair gits covered with sheeit from the barnyard .
• Screen - Whut to shut to keep out the skeeters
• Software - Them dang plastic forks and knives
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Terminal - Tahm to call the undertaker.
• Windows - Place in the truck to hang yore guns.

Cybersex

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, p.. e.. n.. i.. s...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH

-- From Princess RushVamp