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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs.
Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION *&#(*)&!!#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-BITCH...that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.
He Says She Says to the FBI
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their
old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On
their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they
don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The
husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money
and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe
him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story
from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The
FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
-- Posted by LadyRaven Eyez to Pagan Daily News
Pennsylvania State Trooper
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north
of the PA/MD state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician
and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be
late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him
that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and
didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he
could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While
the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly,
he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened
the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my @ss to jail,
cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." --- from Sandi
More Humor at Crime and Justice Run Amok
The Blonde and the K-9 Officer
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken
aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9
unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions
stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
Source: Freaky Animals
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| Beverly Hills Cop Car |
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| Link to Criminal Minds Crime and Court News |
WARNING:
Watch your dog!
Police all over
the country are advising all dog owners to "Watch your Dog". Dogs are being picked off one at a time. They are falling
in great numbers.
Crime and Law Humor
"Think Like a Lawyer"
One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were
to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor
was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell
him: "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages
of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything
herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in
anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."
X_______________sign here
Cigars on Fire No Joke
A true story. -- A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased
a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked
his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
"unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer
was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
-- The Truth About Lawyers and other tales
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