What Those Acronyms Really Mean
- ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM = I Blame Microsoft
- DEC = Do Expect Cuts
- CA = Constant Acquisitions
- CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
- SCSI = System Can't See It
- DOS = Defunct Operating System
- BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- WWW = World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs
- you keep your screen saver on because the girl in the next cubicle thinks flying
toasters are cute.
- you're currently "dating" someone you haven't actually met.
- your taboo topics for discussion include politics, religion and Mac vs. PC.
- you quickly find out the reason you've been invited over to a friend's house
is to program an electronic device.
- fast food containers are an integral part of your desktop layout.
- you have ever sent a fax or E-mail from an airplane.
- you wish you could use a virus detection software on your new boyfriend.
- you wisely chose computer programming over woodshop in high school.
- you've critiqued the program design of your local ATM.
- you call a thrift-shop flannel shirt and a pair of sweat pants an "outfit."
- you dream in programmer's code.
-- from CyberGeek is Chic
Clueless in Cyberspace
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" ~ Marilyn Pittman
"Computer people don't die, they just loose their memory." ~ Author Unknown
"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world
that just don't add up." ~ James Magary
"I don't understand all I know about this thing." ~ Joe May
"Computers make it easy to do
a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done." ~ Andy Rooney
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?" ~ Author Unknown
On Survival in the Machine Age
by Catriona Lovett
Despite all the uncertainty and trouble in the world, personally and globally,
I think we're living in the best of all possible times.
Since I've been on the 'net', despite all of the looneytoons out there
-- including the guy who applied for group membership and had no information but a photo of himself having sex on his
profile -- I have found a wonderful network of friends and truly nice people which stretches around the world.
I consider "MAD" to be a respite where we mad people can gather and let it hang out. I'm glad we've all met.
I'm not as together as I appear to be. I have to confess that I have problems
with sleeplessness sometimes. I go through periods of manic-type activity where I can't sleep, usually triggered by extreme
anxiety. Over years of coping with this, I've learned about every way to become healthier, happier, and stronger. Not to say
that I actually am healthier, happier, and stronger, but I know how, in theory, to become that way -- if I wasn't such
a sad, weak, slouch.
If you're physically up to it, exercise can really help your body feel
better. Even just spending time outdoors and giving yourself sunlight therapy is helpful, a healthy dose of good old solar
radiation. I need to remind myself of that constantly, since I seem to spend a lot more time than I should getting dosed with
computer screen radiation instead.
I have to be careful about becoming compulsive when I'm anxious. Cleaning
is one of the ways I work out my energies -- when I'm really worried, I do housework, and I can get all my dishes done in
no time. My Aunt Dottie taught me this secret. She used to get all jazzed-up on coffee and set to work, cleaning. She used so much bleach that to
this day, when I smell Clorox, I think of her fragrance.
Sometimes some good anti-anxiety meds are what is needed, even if only
to get you over the hump -- I've tried some that have worked not so well, but, fortunately, some have made a radical difference
in how I feel. However, if you deal with these tendencies all your life, you have to find ways to help yourself to complement
or even replace drug therapy dependency -- not always possible, but certainly a worthwhile goal.
One thing for sure, drinking will only make you feel worse when you are having an episode. What you remember afterward will make you want to crawl into a hole, and the details people fill in for you will make you glad you don't remember everything.
I find it a struggle not to let what's eating me drive me to eat. I get so aggravated sometimes I want to bite someone, and usually end up biting something sweet if I don't bite someone's head off verbally. Not good. I've tried to simplify my life, tried to keep aggravation to a minimum, but let's face it -- most things in life happen TO you, they're not planned.
So you do what you can to cope in a healthy way, and don't forget to reach out to others. There are an awful lot of us out there suffering silently thinking: the other guy has it so great, why can't our lives be
so easy? But the truth is, we all have our own monkey on our back, albatross around our neck, bug in our ear, or bird of paradise
up our nose. If we all get together, we can open our own zoo.
If you really need to change something about your life but are powerless
to make the change -- if it's out of your hands, or you're truly stuck between a rock and a hard place -- don't feel all alone. The only thing you can do at times like that is to avoid blaming yourself, and try to find healthy ways to cope, including, most of all, to reach out. Remember, we have all the benefits of modern technology at our disposal, and the secret
to applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw.
Which reminds me of a Machine Age Parable:
Above every machine in the world, there should be a sign that says, "Warning!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need."
The cause of this is that there is a special circuit in all machines, called
a 'critical detector,' which senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use
the machine. The 'critical detector' creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening
the machine with violence only aggravates the situation.
Likewise, attempts to use another machine will cause it to malfunction.
They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
The moral of the story is, "Never let anything mechanical know you
are in a hurry."
By the way, human beings are a lot like machines, and I think we all should have the same warnings placed on us: too much stress makes us break down.
Clueless Asks Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in
his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend
to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless in New York
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You
don't need him anymore.
-- From Pooh Bear
Did you hear they're planning a new movie in Hollywood starring Sharon
Stone as Hilary Clinton? I heard this on the radio, and the disk jockey remarked that if Hilary actually looked like Sharon
Stone there might never have been a Zippergate. -- Cat
|"We are all mad here!"