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...you get it from your kids. 

On Living With Kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following is said to have come from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. It is unknown whether she has survived her harrowing ordeals.

23 Things I've Learned From My Children

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20-ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. At least some Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

11. PlayDoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. (Neither do toasters. -- Ed.)

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

The Operation

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

-- from Tips for Teachers

Water Guns (and Getting Even) 
 
When my three-year-old son opened his grandmother's birthday gift, he discovered a SuperSoaker water pistol. He squealed with delight and immediately headed for the nearest sink. I was not so thrilled.
 
"Not in the house!" I called after him, trying to maintain an even tone.  It was his birthday, after all.  I turned to Mom and said, "I'm really surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
 
My Mom smirked and then replied....."Oh yes, I remember."
 
Grandchildren are a Grandparent's best revenge on their children.

Children!

Tired of being harassed by your boring parents?

ACT NOW!

  • Move out.
  • Get a job.
  • Pay your own bills.

-- While you still know everything!

Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your children.

"Now I know why animals eat their young." ~ Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

"When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell. That is why we dread children, even if we love them, they show us the state of our decay." - Brian Aldiss

"Go away, kid, you bother me." ~ W.C. Fields

Three Little Pigs With a Twist

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!'"!

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Kids act what they see...
TV and Kids
Read "Children, School, and Medications"

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